Papa

My mom's father died when she was twenty-one, I never knew him. When he died, an acquaintance named Robert Simmons took it upon himself to see that she got through college, married the right man, and was there for her four children being born, from the moment of our births he was known as Papa. He called us (the four children) his grand babies, he showed us love and kindness, and tried his very best to show us the importance of elegance and equality. Papa went on to spend every Christmas, Thanksgiving and sometimes New Year's day with us, up until the last years, our family went in different directions, and his biological family was requesting his presence at their various domains.
Papa was a very rich man during his life, both in finances and emotion, he was never short on dishing out love. Every penny that Papa earned, from his early years as a professor at the UW Madison teaching languages and literature, to the last 30 or 40 years (I'm not quite sure the exact #) running his own business, "1040 Tax" out of his office/home on Monroe street in Madison, he never left an extra cent for himself. Papa donated any extra money he had to various organizations that he believed were acting in the best interest of the people/ideals that he agreed with. He Sorted and filed taxes for his clients on a typewriter (to the current time period), no matter their means. Papa Often would send articles regarding topics of his interest to his loved ones, articles of foreign affairs and current government politics. Most of the recipients of these articles were more than likely not going to read them, it was all the same to Papa though, as long as he himself made the effort.
Papa had four biological children that my siblings and I met for the first time at his memorial service the Saturday after Thanksgiving, they are all older than my Brother, sisters and I, with children of their own. My mother and father were unable to make it. (they loved him dearly) But I was able to see Papa, outside of Papa, outside of how we knew him, and I got a chance to see what his children learned and attributed to his influence in their lives, I also got to see how his grandchildren remembered him. To tell the truth, it was not as I expected.
I remember Papa full of love and boat loads of useless information and when the time called for it discordant guidance. All of those things were equally recollected by every party present, but some things were just very different. I remember him as a giving poor man, of course I know now that he was rich and simply discarded any extra money to charities that would benefit more than he, Papa himself benefited by giving, living hand to mouth, selflessly, was his exemplary choice. The main difference I saw and felt on Saturday at the memorial service was the lack of knowledge I had acquired about Papa's giving nature, I always just accepted, and didn't question it. To me, that was was just the way he was, he was our Papa of course he should act this way, but the more I think about it, the more I know why I didn't see it. Papa directed his attention and divided it exactly as he should have, what we were lacking in our home was money and structure. Every time Papa came in, he reinforced those values in a caring way as to not upset us children. Now that I understand the voids he filled in my family, I appreciate him even more, and I pray to have a giving heart and attitude the rest of my life.

I love you Papa and I miss you already.

Control Freak.

I am a control freak who is not in control. This could very well be a recipe for disaster. I have come to realize that by running, and hiding, and living in denial, I have lost control which is the one thing in my life I had managed to secure. Now that I've realized this, I will no longer watch my life pass. I will decide my future and then make it happen. All I have is what is here inside of me, right now today, use it or lose it. There is no gray area.

Growing up.

I run from confrontation. It is hard for me to face hard situations, and I am just realizing this. I am a very outgoing person, very open and conversational, but when it comes to certain parts of my life, I don't tell anyone. I think that this is unhealthy only because I have people in my life who think they know everything about me. I pick and choose of the people who are close to me, who "gets to" know what. I really have to be careful when I get close to people, I feel like I need to be a certain type of person, I feel like I need to show people the person I want to be, not the person I actually am. I guess it is hard to accept that I am not the person I want to be. I need to accept who I am and if I don't like it, change it. But everything is easier said than done.

People are crazy

I have come to realize that people, all people, every person is crazy. All of the people of the world have their own abnormal tenancies that only come out at certain points. WATCH FOR THEM. If you know a person well enough, their actions become habit and perhaps the "crazy" is harder to see. Trust me it s there, and it is hilarious!

Example of random thought

A person is most healthy when their bodies are stimulated right? weather it be a muscles, or lungs, or the foods they eat, anything really, but stimulation is key to survival, and sanity. So I came across a thought, what about tanning? the sun on a person's skin, is that not stimulating? I guess this is a question that will probably only get answered in death, but it is truly baffling. Just think about it, it doesn't make any sense that it should be bad, for one thing, let alone bad enough to cause cancer! Ok so first off, being in the sun makes freckles come out, which are cute on anyone! It makes skin bronze and glowing, clears up acne and builds confidence! All of these positive effects greatly outnumber the negative ones, yet it's result is skin cancer? really?